Sunday, December 24, 2017

The Five Stages of Housecleaning for the Petsitter

It's that time of year again. So here are the five stages of housecleaning for the petsitter:

1. Denial
This is the stage that lasts for the first eleven months of the year. I am down (down!) to four cats, two dogs, and three birds. I'm not one of those people who gets insomnia and then stays up until three in the morning cleaning the grout with a toothbrush. (I don't get insomnia because "a clean conscience is the best pillow" and my conscience is sparkly. It's way cleaner than my house. I'm just throwing that out there to annoy all the people I know who have problems sleeping. Y'all should just be better people and then you'd be able to sleep at night.)

I occasionally try to keep on top of things, but really -- I have a whole list of things I'd rather do than clean the house. I do make sure it's clean enough that I don't have bugs or rodents moving in, but if you're allergic to pet hair... you probably want to be heavily medicated before coming over or just stay away.

Mostly I just don't notice it. I don't wear my glasses at home, so everything beyond a few feet is pretty fuzzy. I also don't look up at the ceiling to notice the cobwebs. I run the handheld vacuum every couple of days until the charge runs out, which keeps the pet hair from drifting down the hallway. I sweep. I do the dishes. But I don't really dust. I pretty much suck as a housekeeper and I don't really care.

2. Anger
In the beginning of December I mostly just get angry that another year has gone by and I still haven't hired someone to come in every couple of weeks and clean the place. I mean, really. It's not all that expensive. I could afford it. Heck, I'd be putting money into the community locally. I'd be saving Woodland!
And yet I still haven't done it. And the beginning of December is too late. Besides, I'd need to clean before they came over to give an estimate anyhow, so it wouldn't help at all.

3. Bargaining
If I mop the living room, I don't really need to clean the window sill in my bedroom, right? Why would my petsitter even go into my bedroom (unless it's to find Effing Scooter who likes to hide under my bed and holy crap, that's where the dust bunnies go to die...).

4. Depression
Do you know how many places four cats can throw up hairballs in a year?

5. Acceptance
I usually get to this stage the night before I have to leave. I mean, my petsitter is a professional. She goes into houses of people who have pets all the time. I can't possibly be the worst at cleaning. (That's a lie -- I could easily be the worst, but remember, the five stages aren't necessarily a linear process and I can be in acceptance and denial at the same time.)

Anyhow, Happy Holidays everyone. I'll be over here marveling at what color the kitchen floor is when it's clean...

It's Holidailies time! Now go read some other blogs! 

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