Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Curiouser and Curiouser

- Is it strange that I am cleaning the house because the pet sitter is coming over? In any case, using their highly developed deductive powers, the cats have figured out that something is up and are swarming around me no matter what I do. It is very difficult to sweep when three cats are running around in the room.

- Just another thing to be insecure about: my freakishly large calves. Strangely, it had never occurred to me that my calves were large, but then I tried to buy a pair of polo boots on ebay. It turns out that not only am I not normal, I’m two sizes above normal. How did this happen? I blame Mom and/or Dad.

- The check from the UC Regents cleared. It’s very odd to get money from a class action lawsuit. I’m not even sure why I was suing the Regents. I would feel somewhat guilty about it, but if I add that amount to the wages I was receiving last year as a resident and divide by the number of hours I actually worked, I was still making less than the people waving signs on the street corners. (No, I wasn’t taking benefits into account, but I also didn’t add in the on-call time either.) Anyhow, I have rationalized taking the money. Maybe I’ll buy new (custom-fit) polo boots. Or at least get the hole in the roof fixed.

Merry Christmas and all that crap. The freshly-bathed dog and I (well, yes, I’ll be freshly-bathed, too) will see most of you soon.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I Love Lucy

Most inappropriate songs for my dog:

Snow Patrol: Open Your Eyes (Just kidding!)

The Veronicas: Leave Me Alone (Separation anxiety? What’s that?)

Chubby Checker: The Twist ($2,000 later, the gastric dilatation and volvulus was resolved)

Sound of Music: Climb Every Mountain (but first take your Rimadyl and tramadol)

(She was actually sleeping like this today.)

Because nothing says Merry Christmas like picking on poor, defenseless animals…

Sunday, December 14, 2008

More Randomness

- I don’t have any Christmas lights up. I’m just not good on ladders. Do you think lights strung about three feet off the ground would look funny?

- Due to the six resident weapons of mass destruction, I don’t have any decorations inside either.

- Have we established yet that I don’t have any Christmas spirit? (I do have half a bottle of tequila in the cupboard… Does that count?)

- Horses and wind do not mix. I forgot about that until yesterday. Two steps forward, one leap sideways, run away!

- Heeder did not try to kill me yesterday (although he did suggest the first two horses that I tried to ride, so he’s not off the hook altogether). However, somebody else almost hit me with a ball during a chukker – while I was watching from outside the arena.

- Perhaps I should resolve the health insurance issue before I play polo again…

- The hat that JJ knitted is warm and soft. I should have cadged a scarf while I was at it.

- The dog has gone outside and sat on the step three times in the last hour. I think she’s hoping that it will warm up and stop raining soon. Dream on.

- Jury duty tomorrow. I can’t wait to see who my fellow peers are.

- What, exactly, can one do with a pair of nail clippers that is so dangerous?

- Bah humbug!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

It’s Beginning to Feel A Lot Like Christmas…

Evidence that Christmas is around the corner:

- The grass is sometimes a little bit crunchy in the morning.

- All my vet school friends are depressed about the number of euthanasias they have to perform. (Fact of life: everybody’s favorite time to kill their pets is right before or after Christmas. Hospitals with limited freezer space can either a) schedule extra pickups by the cremation company, or b) rotate the dead animals every few hours so nothing thaws. It’s just a great time of year for everyone.)

- The local high school marching band is practicing for the parade this weekend.

I’ve heard them three times this week. It always brings tears to my eyes. (Those would be tears of laughter.)

Unfortunately, this band has gone with the time-honored tradition of taking the person with the least musical talent and putting him on the bass drum. After all, how hard can it be to whack a drum with a fuzzy mallet every once in a while?

Sadly this drummer embodies the equivalent of a metronome designed by Salvador Dali. First there are a few beats at one speed, then his attention wanders and he slows down. Then he notices that he’s not walking fast enough and tries to catch up, overshooting in the process. The snare drums repeat this pattern with a slight lag. The rest of the band (or at least, the ones that remember which notes they are playing) are split between following the drum section and following their own beat.

The bad news is that they only have one more day to practice. The good news is that the parade route is only about three blocks long, and they’ll only have to play for five minutes. And the even better news is that it’s supposed to rain this weekend.

Once again, I love living in Woodland.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Pollo Polo (i.e., polo played by a chicken)

I’m a total coward. I don’t even pretend not to be. Yet somehow I found myself out on a horse again last weekend. Here is my interview with myself about it.

What is the most important equipment needed for polo?


What gaits are you comfortable with after riding for the third time in thirty years?

Walking and a slow trot.

Did you play polo?

We played an ultra-slow-motion chukker for fun.

That sounds safe!


What happened during the chukker?

In order to get the ball in play, all of the riders but one line their horses up facing the one hitting the ball in. Then the ball is hit toward them and play ensues.

What could possibly go wrong?

Heeder hit the ball in, and it lofted up and whacked my horse in the eye.

What gaits did your horse use after that?

Backwards and spinning.

That sounds different from walk and trot.


Why is Heeder trying to kill you?

That remains to be determined.