Me, to my dog while on a walk: Why don't you poop on the lawn of the Catholic church instead? I have nothing against the Seventh Day Adventists.
(At work, after listening to the guy with the incredibly loud voice explain the problem multiple times to different people in different areas of the building)
Jon: Does he think they didn't hear it the last time?
Me: I should just go fix the problem.
Me: Yeah, it's just a perl script. I could have fixed it already while he was talking.
Jon: Oh, I thought you meant you were going to fix the problem with surgery.
(While I was complaining about the band Cake)
Me: They're a one trick pony, and it's not even a particularly interesting trick.
Jeff: What's one of their songs?
Rvan: (Some random humming)
Jeff: How about one with lyrics.
The really loud guy, while talking in an office not too far away: If you have the balls to put in a non-editable field, you better be damned sure the value is correct.
Rvan, from the other side of the cubicle: Theresa, did you hear that?
Me: La la la la la.
See? Way better than that damned reality tv. I should get paid to document this stuff...