At some point, someone should probably ask what the heck I'm doing, but therein lies the beauty of living alone (or at least, alone with a bunch of animals who don't speak English).
In addition to making this... work of art... I had a successful day in other ways as well. The galvanized pipe did not, in fact, splinter into bits when the T-joint was unscrewed, so I don't have to live in a hotel while trying to figure out how to have people fix a buried pipe.
I think I'm ready to live in a retirement community and let someone else deal with all that stuff.