Saturday, August 23, 2008


So, a few weeks ago I had to go to a strip mall and pee in a cup.
This was a traumatic experience for a few reasons. First, the place closed at 4pm, which means that I had to hustle to take a shower, get dressed, and drive the five minutes to get there before 3:30. As I was thoroughly enjoying unemployment, that was already asking a lot of me.
Second, I had to pee in a cup. Now, those of you that are of the male variety are thinking, yeah, so what? Well, let me tell you, once again, you guys have it easier. If you’re a guy, you don’t have any logistics problems -- you just unzip, aim, and whiz, you’re done. The female equivalent, however, is equivalent to landing a jet on an aircraft carrier. In high winds. Backwards. We’ll just say that there’s a very good reason the technicians wear gloves to handle the cup afterwards.
As a veterinarian, there aren’t many things that gross me out. Animal blood, pus, maggots – I’ve dealt with them all, occasionally at the same time. I’ll put on gloves to make the cleanup easier, but it doesn’t bother me. Heck, if someone else is dealing with it, I’ll eat donuts during the procedure as long as I’m out of the splash zone. I’ve been peed on, pooped on, bled on, and had anal gland secretions fly through the air onto me. Aside from being a great excuse to change out of the uncomfortable nice clothes into a comfy pair of scrubs, those things really don’t impact me much. But human secretions? Even my own? Give me a barf bag and stand back.
Why, yes, I am single. Why do you ask?
Anyhow, the reason I had to pee in a cup was to prove that I wasn’t taking any illicit substances before I could get hired for my new job. You know, the job where I sit in a cube and surf the net all day. Um, I mean, program. Ironically, at my last job, (the one where I made life and death decisions and had to have good eye-hand coordination at all times, the job where I had fairly easy access to drugs, yeah, that job) I was never tested.
In any case, I passed the test. But I might need some valium to get over the trauma…

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