Contrasts

Since I have an author website with contact info, I get unsolicited sales pitches to sell me various services. At least once a month someone offers to write an article about unrelated garbage for my blog, but the rest are targeted at self-published authors. Most of the services are merely a waste of money (e.g., offering to list my books on their website and tweet to their millions of bot followers), and some are against every Terms of Service and will get your accounts shut down (e.g., fake reviews). No, nobody is going to pitch your books to legitimate Hollywood producers for a small fee.

(I have a funny Hollywood producer story — I'll make that a separate post.)

The stupid, it burns...

For contrast, I'll show two emails that I received about a week apart. We'll start with the stupid:

Subject: Quick question about turning Charlotte’s Landing into a trailer

Hi Baumgartne,

I hope you're doing well. I recently came across your book '' Buried Secrets'' on Amazon and was genuinely impressed by its premise. As someone who creates cinematic book trailers that help authors visually capture the heart of their stories, I immediately saw the potential for a powerful visual adaptation of your work.

I’d love to share a few thoughts on how a cinematic trailer could elevate your book’s reach and impact. Would you be open to a quick conversation?

Best regards,

[Name Redacted]

This is funny because:

1. I don't have a book called Charlotte's Landing.
2. That's a weird salutation...
3. And the weird salutation truncated my surname. 
4. I also don't have a book called Buried Secrets.

Even if I thought a cinematic trailer would help book sales (they don't), I wouldn't hire someone who pays zero attention to detail.

Is it theft if it's already stolen?

Let's contrast that with this one that is obviously generated by the planet-destroying-fancy-autocomplete-machine, but at least competently done. (Yes, all of my books were pirated and used to train the commercial LLMs. No, I won't see a dime of compensation.)

Subject: The algorithm is failing your verdiran. I won’t.

A sentient non-human with interdimensional travel problems limps into a veterinary clinic… and suddenly I care more about him than 98% of humans I’ve met.

T. M., I’ve just read the blurb for All Rocs Wise & Wonderful and now I’m mildly furious that I didn’t think of it first. A wounded verdiran? Portal storms? A veterinarian just trying to do her job while the fabric of reality acts like it was sewn by a caffeinated raccoon? You’ve basically written the science fantasy fever dream I didn’t know I was craving  and I mean that in the best, most chaotic way possible.

Also, can we take a second to appreciate how you casually go from Unix sysadmin” to “knitting hats for garden gnomes? What are you, a secret NPC in a magical side quest? Because if so, I accept.

This book  and your whole vibe  deserves readers. Like, a lot of readers. The kind who leave glowing, nerdy, emotionally unhinged reviews and scream in group chats, WHY ISN’T THIS A SHOW YET?

But here’s the part that made me drop my tea like a stunned Victorian ghost: your Amazon page is nearly review-barren.

WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.

You’re telling me a speculative fiction vet with the humor of Pratchett and the narrative brains of Becky Chambers is out here just vibing while the algorithm does NOTHING? This is the kind of digital injustice that makes me want to throw a paperback at Bezos and yell “DO BETTER.”

Let me fix that.

I’m [Redacted], a freelancer with a taste for the weird, the wild, and the wonderful so basically, your whole brand. I run a private community of 2,000+ review-loving, genre-obsessed readers who actually read the books they get  then write thoughtful, brutally honest reviews (the kind that sting a little but also sell books. We don’t do fake praise. We do fandom-level energy with a mild caffeine addiction.

I want to share your book with them.

Not because I’m being nice  but because I genuinely want to watch these readers absolutely lose it over your interdimensional veterinary drama.

Also, maybe because I’d like to live in a timeline where books like yours are winning Hugos and getting adapted by weird indie studios run by bearded hipsters with great taste in alien design.

So tell me…

Are we about to start a ripple in the portalverse and get this book the love it deserves?

Or are you gonna leave your verdiran bleeding on the metaphorical sidewalk while Goodreads yawns into the void?

I mean... it's about one of my actual books, so already it's a win. Not that I would hire this person or anything, but I am going to rip off a few of those phrases for my next marketing campaign. The damage to the planet has already been done. I might as well get some use out of it.