The Future, Explained

So I finally got around to watching the Star Trek reboot from 2009 and while I found it reasonably entertaining, JJ Abrams certainly went out of his way to make it feel like we were back in the Sixties.

Kirk spent the movie trying to screw everything in a miniskirt (which handily enough, all of the women were wearing), all of the non-white people were safely occupying non-powerful positions off-screen, and although the men of the future are allowed to get older, balder, and wrinkly, all of the women of the future have a Lifeclock and report to the "Carrousel" to be vaporized at age thirty.

At least that's what it felt like to me.

Even though I think it's in fact just a case of really regrettable casting, the lack of racial diversity could possibly be explained away by hypothesizing some sort of evolutionary bottleneck some time between now and when the film takes place. For example, if the entire population of the earth was killed off except for the executives in Hollywood and their current wives, one would achieve approximately the correct on-screen racial mix. So there, we've explained that away.

What I was having a harder time with was the lack of women in the future. Sure, the lack of strong female characters is just bad writing, but it appears that the actual ratio of men to women is skewed way beyond India/China birthrates. So you either have to assume that they've found to a way to gestate in a box, or you have to assume that all of the women are just... somewhere else.

Then it hit me -- this is the perfect thing to use as the premise for the next Star Trek television show. I've seen suggestions that they base the next show on Starfleet Academy, but I think you'll agree that this will have a larger audience. Without further ado, I present to you

Star Trek : Harem World

In ST:HW the audience is introduced to one of the worlds that contain all of the women that might be traveling the galaxy or governing worlds if they were able to worry their pretty little heads about things like that. Instead, these young nubile women compete in fashion contests attended by Starfleet captains on vacation. 
When not walking the catwalk, the women visit the "Carrousel" to cheer the vaporization of the older women when even Botox and plastic surgery can't keep the older women looking attractive enough.


Sadly, this show is probably more likely to get made than a JJ Abrams Star Trek film with strong female characters. And that is depressing me today.

Anyhow, on a more positive note, the puzzle is done...

Maybe I should just write a screenplay.

Definitely Targeted Advertising

I have run out of new brands of cider to try, but my aimless wandering through the alcohol aisle brought me to this:

 

(Ripley is today's alcohol model since the dogs wouldn't hold still.)

 Yes, the advertisers have clearly been watching me. It's some sort of 40 proof vodka liqueur. Another fun fact is that it is made by the Adult Beverage Company based in (wait for it!) Temperance, MI. That made me laugh, even before I drank any.

Here is a direct quotation from my first sip:

"Wow, that tastes like alcohol."

 So not really what I was hoping for. Maybe I should just once again give up on finding something I like to drink for another decade or so. The bottle is kind of cool, though, so I can probably reuse it for flavored oils or vinegar if I ever finish the stuff that is currently in it.

I also bought a bottle of straight vodka earlier this week. (Hm. My alcohol purchases have really gone up during my time of funemployment. I swear it's not that significant.) I'm making peppermint extract to use in my ice cream when the ice cream maker finally arrives. So far the extract looks like a bunch of leaf bits floating in green vodka. I'm hoping it doesn't start to mold.

Now all I need to do is decide which color of roof to get. Decisions, decisions.

The Latest Alan Smithee Project

In honor of Cinco de Mayo I'm giving the cider comparisons a rest today and drinking a margarita. Or it might be considered a smoothie with tequila since I used whole peeled grapefruit and limes along with strawberries, ice, and tequila. It's actually pretty good although I think I could have used less ice.

My project for the week was to finish redoing an area that looked like this but worse:

(Naturally I didn't take before pictures of the actual area I redid, but just imagine something like this except with the bricks at multiple levels including one area where there was a six inch drop.)

The person who did this originally knew even less than I do about brick pathways. The bricks are mortared together on top of dirt, with no gravel or sand underneath. I guess the bricks on one side ended up being a little too high, so mortar was added in a slope on top of the existing concrete to make it less obvious. About a year after I bought the house the bricks started to become increasingly uneven.
This project is another example of me going to the hardware store and believing that I have real skills. I pulled out all of the bricks, knocked off the mortar, bought sand and gravel, spent some time trying to make things level, tamped it down, put in an edge to keep the sand in place, and finally got to the point of putting the bricks in. I was planning on leaving a large rectangle free in the middle for a fig tree. Today I finally started putting the bricks in. And that's when I realized this:

In case it's not apparent from this picture, these bricks (henceforth known as "British bricks") aren't 1x2 (or actually 4"x8" which is the standard US brick). They are 8.5"x4". There's no way to alternate vertical and horizontal bricks without staircasing or leaving a gap in the middle. What the hell? First those bastards stick us with miles/pounds/ounces/etc. and now I have these stupid British bricks.

So my plan to alternate blocks and use dirt just in the middle of the rectangle changed to adding a strip of bricks along two sides. This is one side. (I need more sand to do the other side.) That is the actual fig tree, though.

I guess it still counts as an improvement, but probably just barely.

And now for the obligatory progress report:

Enjoy your week. Peace out.

Messed Up In The Modern Age

I've mentioned before that sometime I make the wrong association with smells. For example, lemon verbena has a smell which I love, but it also smells like Lemonhead candy to me.

To K-poo, it smells like Pledge. It's good to know I'm not the only one with this problem.

Anyhow, in my quest to find a replacement cider, this evening I'm trying Ace Perry Hard Cider. It's not bad -- it tastes like Jolly Ranchers. I do like Jolly Ranchers, but not in my cider.

(Molly and Ginger refuse to even look at the bottle.)

Nobody seems to carry Blackthorn any more, which is a bummer. I may have to start my own import company at this rate.

In other news, as you can clearly see, I've completed the blue sky. Now I just need to do the rest of it.

Now I can lounge about three times faster!

So AT&T recently ran fiber into my neighborhood, and despite the fact that I was already paying for AT&T DSL, the AT&T salespeople kept coming to my door to offer me deals that would speed up my internet connection and lower my final bill.

I took a brief survey to figure out if I was missing something obvious, and the consensus was best declared by Jeff when he said "Stop thinking like an engineer.  Think about a bunch of divisions trying to build their own empires regardless of the greater good to the entire organization."

So I finally agreed to it, and the next day some poor guy came to my house to hook everything up. I had locked up the cats (since Guido likes to jump on people), and Ginger spent the entire time growling at him from where she was locked up in her crate.

Molly Speedbump didn't notice anyone had entered the house for two hours despite the fact that he kept stepping over her.

Anyhow, whatever he's making they aren't paying this guy enough. I say this because:

1) He was clearly allergic to either cats or dogs (although he never actually admitted it and declined my offer of Benadryl), and

2) He had to go into the crawlspace under my house.

In spite of those things he was pleasant and professional and actually knew his stuff. The only real annoyance was the multiple calls from the AT&T robo-dialer over the next two days asking me to rate his performance.

Now I can read all the celebrity gossip three times faster. How's that for progress?

Puzzling Through It

I recently bought a 2000 piece jigsaw puzzle because... well, I was at Target, and I remembered that over a decade ago I used to enjoy doing puzzles although I haven't done one since then.

Now I remember why I stopped doing jigsaw puzzles.

Here are the indignities that this particular puzzle has suffered thus far:

1) Scooter peed on one of the pieces. (I know Scooter pees on everything, so this isn't too surprising, but there actually were extenuating circumstances in this case.)

2) The cats enjoy picking out pieces from the box and carrying them around the house. I'm not sure how many of the original 2000 are still in the living room.

3) Molly Speedbump chewed up one (or possibly more, I can't tell) piece and spit it out on the floor next to me.

 

(It's like the blank Scrabble tile -- it can fit anywhere. 

One of my friends pointed out that you get no points for the blank Scrabble tile...)

To be honest this puzzle had a few problems from the start. Even though it clearly states the dimensions on the outside of the box (38.5" x 26.5"), I was convinced that it would fit on the keyboard tray of my table which turns out to be 19" deep.  Guess what? It doesn't fit. Shocking, how the laws of physics apply. I had to find something to put it on and the only thing I could find was the old interior door out in the garage. So I brought that in and stacked it on some old cubes that were also out in the garage. At some point in the last ten years, one or more of the cats (not mine) that hangs out in my garage had sprayed one of the cubes and although I washed it out pretty well, I think that was Scooter's excuse.

The other big problem is that this puzzle is just not very well-made. I thought I was just remembering things incorrectly until Jon asked me about it. I started complaining about missing the little "snick" that you get when putting pieces together, and he suggested that I go with a different manufacturer. Aside from missing the tactile reward, it also means that I can't be sure that anything is really in the correct spot because pieces seem to almost fit and sometimes it's right and sometimes it's not, and there's a lot of blue sky and green forest in this puzzle.

Also, for whatever reason this has become Scooter's favorite place to nap, which means I have to disturb him any time I want to work on it. These images were taken on different days, and it's not like I had to sit and wait for the perfect photo op...

 

(There's a fireplace screen protecting the pieces from being pilfered.)

  

(Look, he's not always sleeping.)

Anyhow, at this point I'm just trying to finish it so I can put it in the recycling bin...

I Shouldn't Be Held Responsible For This

So here's the sequence of events from tonight:

1) Go to the grocery store (my beloved Nugget Market which is one of my top three reasons for staying in Woodland)
2) Note that they still (after six weeks) don't have Blackthorn cider, the only thing I normally drink
3) Decide to buy one of the other seven brands of cider that they carry
4) Get home and decide to try the new cider brand. (It's 22 oz of 6.5% alcohol.)
5) Finish the bottle (Can't have it go bad now, can I?)
6) Remember that I'm supposed to write a blog post, it being Sunday and all.

Anyhow, that's why this blog post is brought to you by the letter B for buzzed, or possibly D for drunk. Luckily there is no heavy machinery involved.

Here's my review of Crispin cider:

 

Brought to you by Molly

The good:
- It's not really that bad. Certainly a lot better than Wyders.
- It's 6.5% alcohol and I can drink it.

The bad:
- It's too sweet.
- It's not Blackthorn.

Pretend I put a bunch of stuff about the bouquet (if a cider is supposed to have one) and ship that review.

In other news, I put in an herb spiral this week. I calculated the number of bricks that I would need, then ignored that calculation and built the thing. I have absolutely no idea if my number was even close.

 

(Pre-planting)

 (Post-planting)

 

(With extra help from Molly)

(And even more help from Ginger)

There's something else I was going to mention, but I can't remember what it was, and I have to go yell at the cat who is on the range.

Enjoy your week.