Poetry Demotion

Best conversation of the week (as we walked to lunch talking about Rvan's wife who is pregnant with twins):

Rvan: ... and she's having problems sleeping.
Eric: Well, there's four legs to kick her.
Me: And four arms. And four elbows.
Rvan: And four big heads... I mean, two big heads.



So, here's my holiday poem, which I think expresses the meaning of the season quite nicely. There's a few lines that don't scan perfectly, but overall it's quite a masterpiece...

The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was sleeping but I was quite soused.
The socks were still heaped on the floor where I'd tossed them,
In hopes that someday I'd remember to wash them.

The corals were superglued in place on the rocks,
While Cthulhu was chanting "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn,"
And Lucy on the sofa, and I on a chair,
Had just settled down until the next time I had to open the door because she won't go outside to go potty because it's too cold but she has to pee so she'll just stand in the doorway there,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I spilled some good cider as I yelled "What's the matter?"
Away to the window I staggered and fell
The cats scattered quickly, as I said "Oh hell!".

The lights on the dirt of what once was a lawn
Gave the luster of horse poop to the tree which was sawn.
When, what to my bibulous eyes should appear,
But Hot and Hotter who'd come by with three six-packs of beer.

Just kidding you know, it was really a cat,
Who howled to start fighting until I yelled "Scat!"
More rapid than eagles my own cats got riled,
And they hissed and they spit as on the windowsill they piled.

Now Kittenhead, now Crow, now Guido and Scooter!
Even Ripley and Spike came despite being neutered!
To the top of the table! To the top of the Mac!
Til they dashed back the hall, like some kind of wolf pack.

Unlike a thundering herd that across the plain flies,
I soon got quite bored of writing these lies.
But my neighbors heard me exclaim before I finally passed out
"Dammit, Scooter, quit peeing on every damn thing in the house, you bastard!"