While I was at Home Depot last week buying everything except the one thing that I specifically went there to get (something to put up my new wall hanging, and I searched the store for an hour and never found it), I picked up a new utility knife.
Let me tell you, if you ever need to tear apart your own couch it's a lot easier with a sharp knife than with really dull scissors.
Anyhow, I finally finished breaking up the couch into bite-sized pieces that will fit in my trash bin. I'm sure my neighbors are happy about this, although I still maintain this is all their fault for not rushing forward to take it to the dump themselves.
So now the question is: do I continue just serially destroying my existing furniture (entertainment center, I'm looking at you!), or do I buy a replacement couch first?
I guess it would be kind of nice to have someplace to stretch out in the living room, but on the other hand, I kind of like the spartan look that I've got going.
More importantly, what would impress the pet sitter more?
In other news, I finally closed up the house and turned on the heat last night. Then I got to listen to the big dog wandering around for an hour trying to figure out how to get through the closed door to the cat porch. Not the brightest bulb that one...
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
A Musical Review
Yesterday was Woodland's 48th annual holiday parade, and just like every other year, I've been excited to see it coming. Not because I actually go to the parade. Let's face it, I'm not really a big-crowds-and-standing-around-to-watch-things-drive-by-slowly type of person. No, I'm excited that the parade is here because it means the students at the middle school in the next block are done practicing for it and I will not have to hear their medley of Christmas music until next year.
The middle school marching band is the perfect storm of a bunch of things I can't stand, namely:
- Children
- Christmas music
- Marching bands
- Music played very badly
- Loud music played in the street in front of my house while I'm trying to sleep
First the disclaimer: These are middle school kids. They only get two weeks (at most, depending on the weather) to learn how to march and play at the same time. I know it's really not their fault, but holy crap, if I have to listen to that four song Christmas medley again any time before next December, there will be hell to pay.
So here's the review of this year's band:
First off, the marching:
I initially thought the band instructor was just getting his yayas when he was still yelling "left...left...left, right, left" well into the second week, but then I saw the kids outside when I was walking the dogs. Turns out there was a reason he was reminding them. Perhaps he should have clued in the guy on the front left corner as to which foot was his left foot. Maybe that would have helped.
Then there was the kid that is either a musical genius who will go on to write complicated jazz music, or a musical moron who will be the worst dancer in the history of white people. Somehow this kid was managing to play the music and stroll to a completely different beat. I dare you to try that sometime. It's a lot harder than it looks. In general though, I have to say that it's fine to move to the beat of your own drum, but not when there is an actual drum section three feet behind you.
And then there was the saxophone player... While technically stepping in time with the music, he looked like he was imitating Snoop Dogg (er, I mean, Snoop Lion now I guess) walking up to receive an award. Not because he was black (because he wasn't), but because he managed to make each step about eight different moves with knee dips and hip pops. Also, if I really wanted to find some weed amongst that group, I'd probably start with the sax case. Just sayin'.
The music:
It's a medley of Christmas music. There's a lot of really, really crappy Christmas music and anything that didn't start out that way gets moved to the crappy pile after I've heard it for the five thousandth time. Which is to say that there is no good Christmas music and I have been known to avoid all stores from Thanksgiving to the end of December just to get away from it all.
Note to the band director: giving a run of sixteenth notes to the brass section while everyone else cuts out is pretty gutsy. Especially when your brass section consists of two consistently out of tune trumpets, a beginning trombone, and a baritone. It's hard to get crisp notes out of the brass section during the best of times, and this was definitely the worst of times. Next year just pick one of the notes and have them stick with it and maybe it won't sound like a cow falling down a flight of stairs.
The woodwinds (by which I mean about fifteen clarinets and a couple of flutes) weren't bad, but since you can't actually hear the clarinets in a band, it doesn't really matter. (I say this as someone who played clarinet in a marching band. You know all this bitterness had to come from somewhere, right?)
I was pretty excited this year about the percussion section as I lay in my bed at seven in the morning. In years past they've given the musical Forest Gumps of the world the bass drum and cymbals (because that way they don't have to read music or try to play in tune), but that's been a disaster because those are the two instruments you can hear from half a mile away, and the Forest Gumps of the world can't keep time.
This year I noticed early on that the percussion section sounded much, much better than in years past. It took me two days to notice that it was because they just had a snare drum and xylophone and didn't have either a bass drum or cymbals. Sadly, two days before the parade they flushed out two extra members and once again we had the crashing of cymbals at random moments during the songs. The bass drummer still wasn't as impaired as the one two years ago (a kid who seemed to be playing in time to a drunkard's walk), so at least it wasn't all bad.
Anyhow, there you have it. Not as bad as some years, but I'd still donate money if they'd start practicing somewhere else.
The middle school marching band is the perfect storm of a bunch of things I can't stand, namely:
- Children
- Christmas music
- Marching bands
- Music played very badly
- Loud music played in the street in front of my house while I'm trying to sleep
First the disclaimer: These are middle school kids. They only get two weeks (at most, depending on the weather) to learn how to march and play at the same time. I know it's really not their fault, but holy crap, if I have to listen to that four song Christmas medley again any time before next December, there will be hell to pay.
So here's the review of this year's band:
First off, the marching:
I initially thought the band instructor was just getting his yayas when he was still yelling "left...left...left, right, left" well into the second week, but then I saw the kids outside when I was walking the dogs. Turns out there was a reason he was reminding them. Perhaps he should have clued in the guy on the front left corner as to which foot was his left foot. Maybe that would have helped.
Then there was the kid that is either a musical genius who will go on to write complicated jazz music, or a musical moron who will be the worst dancer in the history of white people. Somehow this kid was managing to play the music and stroll to a completely different beat. I dare you to try that sometime. It's a lot harder than it looks. In general though, I have to say that it's fine to move to the beat of your own drum, but not when there is an actual drum section three feet behind you.
And then there was the saxophone player... While technically stepping in time with the music, he looked like he was imitating Snoop Dogg (er, I mean, Snoop Lion now I guess) walking up to receive an award. Not because he was black (because he wasn't), but because he managed to make each step about eight different moves with knee dips and hip pops. Also, if I really wanted to find some weed amongst that group, I'd probably start with the sax case. Just sayin'.
The music:
It's a medley of Christmas music. There's a lot of really, really crappy Christmas music and anything that didn't start out that way gets moved to the crappy pile after I've heard it for the five thousandth time. Which is to say that there is no good Christmas music and I have been known to avoid all stores from Thanksgiving to the end of December just to get away from it all.
Note to the band director: giving a run of sixteenth notes to the brass section while everyone else cuts out is pretty gutsy. Especially when your brass section consists of two consistently out of tune trumpets, a beginning trombone, and a baritone. It's hard to get crisp notes out of the brass section during the best of times, and this was definitely the worst of times. Next year just pick one of the notes and have them stick with it and maybe it won't sound like a cow falling down a flight of stairs.
The woodwinds (by which I mean about fifteen clarinets and a couple of flutes) weren't bad, but since you can't actually hear the clarinets in a band, it doesn't really matter. (I say this as someone who played clarinet in a marching band. You know all this bitterness had to come from somewhere, right?)
I was pretty excited this year about the percussion section as I lay in my bed at seven in the morning. In years past they've given the musical Forest Gumps of the world the bass drum and cymbals (because that way they don't have to read music or try to play in tune), but that's been a disaster because those are the two instruments you can hear from half a mile away, and the Forest Gumps of the world can't keep time.
This year I noticed early on that the percussion section sounded much, much better than in years past. It took me two days to notice that it was because they just had a snare drum and xylophone and didn't have either a bass drum or cymbals. Sadly, two days before the parade they flushed out two extra members and once again we had the crashing of cymbals at random moments during the songs. The bass drummer still wasn't as impaired as the one two years ago (a kid who seemed to be playing in time to a drunkard's walk), so at least it wasn't all bad.
Anyhow, there you have it. Not as bad as some years, but I'd still donate money if they'd start practicing somewhere else.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
The Couch Strikes Back
It's time to do all of the official December stuff:
- Rake up all of the leaves from all those damn trees that I don't own.
- Remember that I really should have gotten the roof fixed or redone over the summer because I can't sleep when there is water dripping in my bedroom.
- Clean up the house for my pet sitter.
- Consider getting a maid service so I don't have to clean up for my pet sitter.
- Remember that I'd have to clean up in order to hire a maid service so I don't have to clean up for my pet sitter.
- Neglect to put up holiday decorations again.
In other news, the couch on the patio is steadily getting smaller. Had a slight setback today when my hand slipped and I whacked the knuckle into a board with some staples sticking out. I'm not sure whether the pain is from hitting the board or hitting the staples, but my hand looks like I was bit by a small snake which is kind of cool, so maybe it's worth it.
Now if I could just remember exactly when I got my last tetanus vaccine...
- Rake up all of the leaves from all those damn trees that I don't own.
- Remember that I really should have gotten the roof fixed or redone over the summer because I can't sleep when there is water dripping in my bedroom.
- Clean up the house for my pet sitter.
- Consider getting a maid service so I don't have to clean up for my pet sitter.
- Remember that I'd have to clean up in order to hire a maid service so I don't have to clean up for my pet sitter.
- Neglect to put up holiday decorations again.
In other news, the couch on the patio is steadily getting smaller. Had a slight setback today when my hand slipped and I whacked the knuckle into a board with some staples sticking out. I'm not sure whether the pain is from hitting the board or hitting the staples, but my hand looks like I was bit by a small snake which is kind of cool, so maybe it's worth it.
Now if I could just remember exactly when I got my last tetanus vaccine...
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Happy Thanksgiving
Things to be thankful for:
- Pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, and stuffing. Or, put more simply, carbs, carbs, and more carbs.
- Everything ended up cooked at about the same time despite the absence of a Gantt chart. (However, Patrick had a pretty impressive Gantt chart for his four burners at his Thanksgiving dinner. Understandably, K-poo was on the hook for bringing bread. I'm sure she slaved away all afternoon baking it. Or not...)
- Jeff didn't end up in jail or on some CPS list when he pulled down his crying 8-year-old son's pants in a public park to check the damage after a scooter accident.
- Eric had just enough chairs for everyone to sit in. I'd make comments about the lack of furniture in his house, but that would be beyond the pot calling the kettle black.
- Eric gets the "Tacky Neighbors Award" for the people next door who put up three inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments on Friday.
- The cheap table that my parents bought forty-eight years ago in El Paso (because there weren't any furniture stores in Alamogordo) is still around to hold a giant turkey and a bunch of side dishes.
- Did I mention carbs?
Mmm, carbs...
- Pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, and stuffing. Or, put more simply, carbs, carbs, and more carbs.
- Everything ended up cooked at about the same time despite the absence of a Gantt chart. (However, Patrick had a pretty impressive Gantt chart for his four burners at his Thanksgiving dinner. Understandably, K-poo was on the hook for bringing bread. I'm sure she slaved away all afternoon baking it. Or not...)
- Jeff didn't end up in jail or on some CPS list when he pulled down his crying 8-year-old son's pants in a public park to check the damage after a scooter accident.
- Eric had just enough chairs for everyone to sit in. I'd make comments about the lack of furniture in his house, but that would be beyond the pot calling the kettle black.
- Eric gets the "Tacky Neighbors Award" for the people next door who put up three inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments on Friday.
- The cheap table that my parents bought forty-eight years ago in El Paso (because there weren't any furniture stores in Alamogordo) is still around to hold a giant turkey and a bunch of side dishes.
- Did I mention carbs?
Mmm, carbs...
Monday, November 19, 2012
Spice Up Your Life
You know how you have those things you do that you swear that you'll never do again and yet you do them over and over again?
In this case I'm not talking about eating raw cookie dough, even though that applies. (Yes, it says in big bold print on the package that you're not supposed to eat it raw, but who are they fooling? Nobody actually buys that stuff to bake cookies with.)
No, I'm talking about doing something that you know you won't understand later and not documenting it. In this case, I'm talking about my spice rack.
I have one of those pre-labeled spice racks. It's great and I've had it for probably close to twenty years. I've depleted and refilled most of the spice jars multiple times (although not every six months as the charlatan television chefs would have you believe to be necessary).
However, over the years I've occasionally needed a jar for something else and had an empty one available, so I've used it. And every time I've thought "I should change the label" and then I think "No need -- of course I'll remember that the bottle labeled ginger really contains coriander."
So now every time I make a new recipe it's a bit of a crap-shoot as to whether I'm really adding coriander or maybe a spice blend with allspice and cloves that I made for that one Ethiopian curry two years ago. Usually I can tell based on the smell, but sometimes...
The spice of life? In my kitchen you may never know the truth...
In this case I'm not talking about eating raw cookie dough, even though that applies. (Yes, it says in big bold print on the package that you're not supposed to eat it raw, but who are they fooling? Nobody actually buys that stuff to bake cookies with.)
No, I'm talking about doing something that you know you won't understand later and not documenting it. In this case, I'm talking about my spice rack.
I have one of those pre-labeled spice racks. It's great and I've had it for probably close to twenty years. I've depleted and refilled most of the spice jars multiple times (although not every six months as the charlatan television chefs would have you believe to be necessary).
However, over the years I've occasionally needed a jar for something else and had an empty one available, so I've used it. And every time I've thought "I should change the label" and then I think "No need -- of course I'll remember that the bottle labeled ginger really contains coriander."
So now every time I make a new recipe it's a bit of a crap-shoot as to whether I'm really adding coriander or maybe a spice blend with allspice and cloves that I made for that one Ethiopian curry two years ago. Usually I can tell based on the smell, but sometimes...
The spice of life? In my kitchen you may never know the truth...
Sunday, November 11, 2012
In Android training nobody can hear you scream...
For those keeping score at home, here's how the Android training went last week:
Day 1:
- Up at 4:15! Probably should apologize to the neighbors for turning up the music and lights before dawn.
- Took the dogs for a walk in the dark. Remembered too late that I should have brought a flashlight, leading to me finding poop in the wet grass by braille. (I had a bag over my hand, okay?)
- Left the house before 6am and was tailgated by at least five different people during the commute. Really people, if the car in front of me is going the same speed I am, sitting five feet behind my bumper actually won't make me go any faster. All it will do is make me squirt rancid windshield wiper fluid over my car and onto yours.
- Got to work at 7:15. That's just crazy.
- In a place labeled a "tech park", the conference room used for training twenty people (who are all required to have computers to work on) has three outlets that can be reached, located on the wall at the end of the tables. Within twenty minutes there are power strips daisy-chained all over the room. Between that and the ethernet cables (sockets located next to the power outlets) strung all around (because we don't have wi-fi, naturally, at a freaking wireless company), everyone is required to leap over multiple cords in order to get between the door and their seats. Both OSHA and the fire department would have evacuated the building on the spot if they'd dropped by.
- The instructor gets the class started by asking everyone to briefly state their experience and what they hope to get out of the course. This is normally a five day course being crammed into two days and he's trying to make sure that everyone has a solid understanding of java so he can completely skip those parts. Of course half the people in attendance take this as an opportunity to recite everything they've ever done in the last twenty years. Also, they keep starting out with "I'm so-and-so and I work for manager-so-and-so." Do we care? No.
- That one woman finally winds to a close on all of her accomplishments since Eisenhower was president and we get started. In the meantime it has become obvious that the thermostat is set to penguin comfort level. I'm wearing a sweatshirt and I'm starting to lose feeling in my fingers. I feel a little sorry for the guys in the front row who are wearing short sleeves. On the other hand, what kind of idiot goes anywhere in our building without a jacket? Oh, I see, they're from Texas. Maybe the A/C isn't so schizophrenic out there.
- Instead of following instructions and labeling the app button "Update", Jeff labels his "Fart". Just so we're clear, he's three years older than I am.
- In between lessons I try to figure out how to change the path in Windows. I'm a Linux user. I normally only use the laptop to log into my Linux workstation remotely. Turns out that you have to be an admin to change the path in Windows. How is this even an operating system? I don't have time to log out (5 minutes), log in to the other account which has admin privileges (10 minutes), change the path in a window that only shows ten characters at a time (20 seconds), log back out (5 minutes, or maybe 20 minutes if it hangs and I have to power cycle it to get logged out), and log back in under the original account (10 minutes). I decide this will have to wait until the day is over.
- At lunch time I go back to my desk and grab my parka. People make fun of me but I can tell they are secretly envious.
- After lunch the second set of thermostats, which seem to actually have some control over the room, is discovered.
- We work on an app that acts like a twitter client.
- At 5pm we stop for the day. At 6:15 I drive home. I almost make the mistake of getting in the HOV lane (open to anyone after 7pm) because my car clock is still one hour ahead. Stupid time changes.
Day 2:
- Up at 4:15 again. Definitely ought to apologize to the neighbors.
- Rinse off the Tinkle Turf in the backyard in the dark.
- Remember to bring the flashlight when walking the dogs. Naturally neither dog poops on the walk.
- Again, made it to work by 7:15. Took the extra time to change the path on the laptop.
- Question session at the beginning of class. The woman who won't stop talking keeps asking the same question (about cross-platform development and testing) over and over. The instructor keeps answering it. Eventually I want to stand up and say "YES. YOU MUST TEST IT ON EVERY DEVICE." but I don't because I am busy rick-rolling people using the twitter app from the day before. Eric keeps putting in Shakespeare quotations because, well, he had to memorize it so he might as well use it.
- By the end of the day my brain feels like it is leaking out of my ears.
So, anyhow, the instructor was excellent and the material was interesting. Unfortunately I don't work on anything where I'll actually need to use it, but no knowledge is wasted. Or something like that.
Day 1:
- Up at 4:15! Probably should apologize to the neighbors for turning up the music and lights before dawn.
- Took the dogs for a walk in the dark. Remembered too late that I should have brought a flashlight, leading to me finding poop in the wet grass by braille. (I had a bag over my hand, okay?)
- Left the house before 6am and was tailgated by at least five different people during the commute. Really people, if the car in front of me is going the same speed I am, sitting five feet behind my bumper actually won't make me go any faster. All it will do is make me squirt rancid windshield wiper fluid over my car and onto yours.
- Got to work at 7:15. That's just crazy.
- In a place labeled a "tech park", the conference room used for training twenty people (who are all required to have computers to work on) has three outlets that can be reached, located on the wall at the end of the tables. Within twenty minutes there are power strips daisy-chained all over the room. Between that and the ethernet cables (sockets located next to the power outlets) strung all around (because we don't have wi-fi, naturally, at a freaking wireless company), everyone is required to leap over multiple cords in order to get between the door and their seats. Both OSHA and the fire department would have evacuated the building on the spot if they'd dropped by.
- The instructor gets the class started by asking everyone to briefly state their experience and what they hope to get out of the course. This is normally a five day course being crammed into two days and he's trying to make sure that everyone has a solid understanding of java so he can completely skip those parts. Of course half the people in attendance take this as an opportunity to recite everything they've ever done in the last twenty years. Also, they keep starting out with "I'm so-and-so and I work for manager-so-and-so." Do we care? No.
- That one woman finally winds to a close on all of her accomplishments since Eisenhower was president and we get started. In the meantime it has become obvious that the thermostat is set to penguin comfort level. I'm wearing a sweatshirt and I'm starting to lose feeling in my fingers. I feel a little sorry for the guys in the front row who are wearing short sleeves. On the other hand, what kind of idiot goes anywhere in our building without a jacket? Oh, I see, they're from Texas. Maybe the A/C isn't so schizophrenic out there.
- Instead of following instructions and labeling the app button "Update", Jeff labels his "Fart". Just so we're clear, he's three years older than I am.
- In between lessons I try to figure out how to change the path in Windows. I'm a Linux user. I normally only use the laptop to log into my Linux workstation remotely. Turns out that you have to be an admin to change the path in Windows. How is this even an operating system? I don't have time to log out (5 minutes), log in to the other account which has admin privileges (10 minutes), change the path in a window that only shows ten characters at a time (20 seconds), log back out (5 minutes, or maybe 20 minutes if it hangs and I have to power cycle it to get logged out), and log back in under the original account (10 minutes). I decide this will have to wait until the day is over.
- At lunch time I go back to my desk and grab my parka. People make fun of me but I can tell they are secretly envious.
- After lunch the second set of thermostats, which seem to actually have some control over the room, is discovered.
- We work on an app that acts like a twitter client.
- At 5pm we stop for the day. At 6:15 I drive home. I almost make the mistake of getting in the HOV lane (open to anyone after 7pm) because my car clock is still one hour ahead. Stupid time changes.
Day 2:
- Up at 4:15 again. Definitely ought to apologize to the neighbors.
- Rinse off the Tinkle Turf in the backyard in the dark.
- Remember to bring the flashlight when walking the dogs. Naturally neither dog poops on the walk.
- Again, made it to work by 7:15. Took the extra time to change the path on the laptop.
- Question session at the beginning of class. The woman who won't stop talking keeps asking the same question (about cross-platform development and testing) over and over. The instructor keeps answering it. Eventually I want to stand up and say "YES. YOU MUST TEST IT ON EVERY DEVICE." but I don't because I am busy rick-rolling people using the twitter app from the day before. Eric keeps putting in Shakespeare quotations because, well, he had to memorize it so he might as well use it.
- By the end of the day my brain feels like it is leaking out of my ears.
So, anyhow, the instructor was excellent and the material was interesting. Unfortunately I don't work on anything where I'll actually need to use it, but no knowledge is wasted. Or something like that.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Those aren't the Android's you're looking for...
So I broke down and spent a bunch of money in the last couple of weeks. I'm claiming the iPad as a birthday present to myself, but the rest of it was clothing, and I refuse to call that a birthday present. Actually, if I could find a pair of sweat pants just like the ones that I have that are disintegrating and have no identifying tag, I would claim that as a birthday and Christmas present, but that's looking unlikely.
Anyhow, as a computer professional I could probably come up with some malarkey about how the iPad is work-related, but really it's just a toy and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. So far I've used it to watch television in bed and to list a recipe in the kitchen (vegetarian chili from epicurious.com in case you're curious). Other than the fact that it kept going to sleep while I was cooking, it worked really well. I'm guessing there's some setting to keep it from going to sleep -- if I were really a professional I'd figure it out. Maybe next time.
In a further test of professionalism, I have two days of Android training (whatever the heck that is) coming up this week. Aside from the fact that we have a deadline on Friday for some features that have yet to be started, the big problem is that the training starts at 8am and we all know how I feel about getting to work four hours early. Grumpiness might be evident. I realize that many of those people who work with me are asking themselves how, exactly, that might be different from normal.
Ha ha. Trust me. You'll find out.
Anyhow, as a computer professional I could probably come up with some malarkey about how the iPad is work-related, but really it's just a toy and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. So far I've used it to watch television in bed and to list a recipe in the kitchen (vegetarian chili from epicurious.com in case you're curious). Other than the fact that it kept going to sleep while I was cooking, it worked really well. I'm guessing there's some setting to keep it from going to sleep -- if I were really a professional I'd figure it out. Maybe next time.
In a further test of professionalism, I have two days of Android training (whatever the heck that is) coming up this week. Aside from the fact that we have a deadline on Friday for some features that have yet to be started, the big problem is that the training starts at 8am and we all know how I feel about getting to work four hours early. Grumpiness might be evident. I realize that many of those people who work with me are asking themselves how, exactly, that might be different from normal.
Ha ha. Trust me. You'll find out.
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