Indigestible -- a review of spam

Every once in a while I check through the weekly spam digest to make sure that it’s not throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Here’s the latest batch. All spelling errors are the fault of the sender:

49 messages were filtered into your spam mailbox this week:

Category: Subjects that make you think that this might be a real message

Subject: What time is okay for you
Score: 3/10 (It might have worked…)

From: "Bank Of America Customer Update Department"
Subject: Bank of America Java Update Includes Security Fixes - Security Fix.
Score: 1/10 (Nice try…)


Category: Off the wall

Subject: Paris Hilton Hates Nicole Richie
Score: 1/10 (because I hate Paris Hilton)

Subject: The first aid is always ready
Score: 2/10 (and the lemonade is still in the bottle.)

Subject: We have hijacked your baby
Score: 1/10 (because you can have my baby, I don’t want it.)

Subject: Britney Spears Loses Kids For Being Fat At VMA's
Score: 5/10 (or maybe it was because she was obviously stoned…)


Category: Single entendre

Subject: Turning a small knob into a huge wand!
Score: 7/10, but 2 points deducted since I received seven messages with this subject in one week.

Subject: Make your man pole hard and strong
Score: 6/10 (but if I ever write soft porn, I’m using this one!)


Category: Odd spelling to avoid spam filters

Subject: if he's hard to shop for, you wont go wrong with viiiiaaaaagggrrrraaa
Score: 2/10 (Bonus point for Tony the tiger imitation, or maybe that’s just in my head…)

Subject: Huge holiday discounts for PE_enlargement and ED_treatment!
Score: 1/10 (on the theory that you shouldn’t have to wiki the abbreviations in an advertisement)



Category: English is not my first language

Subject: the comments I get about my nights with women are amazing, people think im wizard!
Score: 2/10 (…at least there’s a comma.)

Subject: ladies say size doesnot matter, but we know, it does!
Score: 2/10 (What, are you Data from Star Trek? It’s “doesn’t”)

Subject: Have an unforgetful night of pleasure with your girlfriend!
Score: 6/10 (because this ad is just unforgetful!)

Subject: Goodiest offer
Score: 7/10, special award for most egregious example

Special Dual Category: (1) English is not my first language, and (2) What?

Subject: Tired of been pissed off in bed by your gf that you cannot_satisfy_her for that promotion will help you
Score: 9/10 (I think this is my favorite one.)


Category: Unsolicited advice

Subject: Dont look fat and stupid this summer.
Score: 1/10 (Too late, summer’s over.)


Category: Object Oriented Programming 101

Subject: Don't be fooled by ladies, size has matter!
Score: 1/10 (Size inherits from matter, that’s an “is-a” not a “has-a” relationship…)